Endless Tears: Chapter 16

Seoul, 2015

4 years later…

“Thanks for being here at our concert,” Sungkyu hyung said as we all bowed to the audiences.

“Now, for our last song, Endless Tears, written and composed by Hoya, our member,” Woohyun hyung informed as he pointed at me.

“This one is dedicated to the late Hyemi, may you rest in peace,” I said as the intro music was on.

Myungsoo lifted up his microphone as he started to sing.

You're gone
Now, you're not here anymore
But, I keep craving for your love

Sungkyu hyung took his turn.

Am I being too selfish?
For questioning the heaven to give you back

We all lifted up our microphones as the music beat a little higher for the chorus.

I cried out loud
I couldn't hold the tears

Woohyun hyung sang his part of the chorus.

The endless tears flowing from my eyes
The endless tears falling down my cheeks

And, Sungyeol sang at the end of the chorus.

What should I do? I can't stop

Finally, Sungjong’s part was arrived for the second verse.

Are you leaving?
Do I have to let you go?
Is this a dream?

Woohyun hyung solo part took over.

Do you have to leave like this?
Keep blaming the heaven for taking you away

Again, the second time for chorus, we all sang.

I cried out loud
I couldn't hold the tears

Sungkyu hyung once again, for the chorus part.

The endless tears flowing from my eyes
The endless tears falling down my cheeks

As for Sungyeol, in the same part.

What should I do? I can't stop

Dongwoo hyung lifted his microphone as he began his rap part.

What can I do?
I can't hold back my tears
It becomes hard for me
I'm sorry
I can't be strong as I promise
I closed my swollen eyes
Through the endless night
With endless tears

Finally, my solo rap part arrived.

What do I do?
Why am I crying?
I have so many words that yet to be said to you
I have so many things that yet to be done with you
I love you, just like now, just like before
I'll love you, loving you like this
I'm going crazy with your absence
I'm sorry that I send you with endless tears

The last chorus part, that we all sang together as I was crying.

I love you, I love you
I shouted like this endlessly
The endless tears flowing from my eyes
The endless tears falling down my cheeks

The final and last part, by me. However, I whispered it with my husky voice as the tears were unstoppable.

I'm sorry that I send you away with tears

“Thank you,” we all shouted and bowed before going down the stage as the crowd applauded and cheered.

We went to backstage.

“Let’s go celebrate after this,” Woohyun hyung said.

“I think I’ll pass,” I said to him. “I want to visit Hyemi,” I informed.

“Okay,” he said.

I changed my clothes and off to the graveyard.

I slowly walked down. I remembered every moment like just yesterday. But, it had been 6 months since she went away.

I knelt beside her grave, keeping my head down. I lifted my head and looked at the stone.

Rest In Peace, Elaine Shim Hyeyoung
March 2, 1991 – March 29, 2015
~ An obedient daughter, great sister, wonderful wife~

It had been 6 months since the day she left the world. I still remembered every detail of her figure. Her small figure, her round face, her sharp nose, her thin lips, her big eyes, her long black hair, her smile, her frown and everything.

She died a day after my 24th birthday. For me, that last birthday that we spent together was the best of my whole life, even though she couldn’t say any words to me but she was my source of happiness. I was glad that I was there when she breathed the last air.

I closed my eyes really tight as I touched her grave stone.

“Hyemi, hello,” I greeted her with a smile curled by my lips. “I came again today. But, I didn’t bring any flower for you. I was busy. So, I’m sorry,” I said, keeping my head down low.

“Today, we sang the song that I wrote for you. Did you hear it?” I asked as if she still could hear. “I accidently cried just now. I’m sorry but I can’t help it,” I apologized with a pleading expression as if she was standing in front of me, mad.

I stood up. “I’m going home now, because I’m tired for today,” I informed. “But, I’ll be back,” I said as walked back.

To be honest, I’m not happy with her absence. I feel empty every single day after she went away. But, when I saw the ring on my fourth finger, I’m satisfied. At least, I could say that she was mine.

Actually, there are many things that I haven’t done with her. As many as the words that I haven’t said to her. For that, I feel regretful. But, I’m going to live happily and I’m going to live this life at the fullest. I’m going to live until I died. Because I know, she’s waiting for me up there.

If I said that I didn’t blame god for taking her away, it must be a lie. I did angry but nothing can be undone. Although I’ve promised that I’ll smile when I send her away, I still cried when I think about her. Because for me, she’s the only girl that own my endless tears.

Endless Tears: Chapter 15

The next morning, I went to the hospital with my make-up artist nuna.

“Hyemi,” I said to her, hugging her from her back.

She smiled and bowed to the nuna I brought.

“This is my make-up artist nuna,” I informed her as she nodded.

“Hi, Hyemi,” the nuna greeted and they exchanged smile.

“Today, let’s be old for one day,” I said to her, as I gestured the nuna to do her work.

She started to work with my face also Hyemi’s face.

“Nuna is very great in this,” I said as I high fived the nuna. “Thanks,” I thanked as she went out.

“Hey, we’re old,” I said to Hyemi as she laughed lightly.

I faked a cough. “Let’s take a picture in our old days, my wife,” I said and grinned.

She nodded and I took out my cell phone. I took a self camera picture with her. Many pictures of us.

“I’ll keep this,” I said after clicking my phone.

“Let’s… stop… for… today,” she muttered, as she pushed her own wheelchair to the bathroom.

“Already?” I asked, in weird tone. I stood at the bathroom’s door as I watched her, washing off her face.

“I’m… tired. And… I… have… test,” she informed me.

I nodded. “I took you to Doctor Jung after this,” I offered. “And, I’m sorry for making you tired,” I apologized.

She shook her head. “You… should… go… back. I… can… go… with… the… nurse. And… I’m… happy,” she muttered and smiled.

I shrugged and nodded. “Okay, if that’s what you want,” I said.

“Ho… ya,” she called me as she pushed her wheelchair to her drawer.

She opened the drawer slowly as I walked closer. She took out an envelope.

“Take… this,” she said, handed the envelope.

“What is this?” I asked as I wanted to open.

She shook her head as she held onto my hands. “Don’t… read… here. Wait.. until.. you… home,” she ordered.

“Anything you want,” I said as I put the envelope in my pocket.

I lifted her to her bed and placed her there. She mouthed a “Thanks” and I walked to the door.

“I’ll be back,” I said as I waved her goodbye.

I went back to the dorm.

I sat on my bunk as I took out the envelope that Hyemi gave me. I opened it, and found a letter was in there.

Hoya, my love,

I have never expressed my love for you. I’m sorry for that. Now, I’m going to tell you, that I truly love you. I don’t know or realized when. But, since you went away, I was sad.

When I knew about my sickness, I was sad that I wanted to die. Thanks to you, I’m alive until now. For the 5 years that you weren’t by my side, I know you feel bad. But, don’t be, because I want you to do well. And you did. I’m so happy that you chased and achieved your dream. Most importantly, I’m happy that I helped you to achieve it.

I smiled as tears welled up in my eyes. I wiped it away and continued.

Hoya, my first love,

As you know, I will die, sooner or later. I felt that, my time is around the corner. I’m losing my ability one by one. I know, the death will soon come to me. So, don’t come to the hospital anymore.

After this, please forget about me. Please be happy, because you will meet someone better than me. Someone that can make you happy. Someone that not going to be a burden for you to take care. Someone that can walk and hold hands with you. Someone that can stand next to you and talk to you endlessly.

I cried. How could Hyemi said like this? I had never felt burdened.

Hoya, my last love,

Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my family when my own mother threw me away. Thank you for being my brother and friend. Thank you for sharing everything with me. Thank you for trusting me with your secrets. Thank you for being a considerate boyfriend. Thank you for trying hard to make everything possible for me. Thank you for loving me. I’m grateful for the past 8 years of my life because you’re in it.

Lastly, I’m sorry for letting you met me again like this. I’m sorry that I love you too. I’m sorry for being selfish.

Let’s end it all right here. I’m afraid that I will be more greedy that I want you all by myself. You said that you’ll be with me as long as I need you. From now on, I won’t be needing you anymore. So, you’re free to go. Goodbye.

Your Hyemi…

I cried out loud as I ended the letter. She thought about me so much that she wanted to suffer alone. But, I didn’t want it to end like this.

I ran back to the hospital as I ran around to find her.

I finally found her  at the hospital’s garden. I ran to her and hugged her.

“Ho… ya,” she muttered as she tried to pull away.

“I’m not going to stop,” I said, as tears running down my face.

I turned her to face me. I took out the letter she gave me. “I don’t want this,” I said, putting the letter on her lap.

“Please… Hoya,” she stuttered.

“You want me to be happy but you’re breaking up with me,” I scolded her. “How can you ask me to find someone else that can make me happy when the only one that can do that is you?” I said as I kneeled down, cried.

She sobbed.

I took her hands. “I don’t care if you don’t need me,” I said. “I promised that I will be here until the end. And, it haven’t come yet. So, I’m sticking here. I’ll stay with you. No matter how slow you walk, I want to hold your hand and walk with you. No matter how unclear your words, I’ll listen to it,” I claimed.

“I don’t accept your goodbye, your apology and your sorry. I don’t want to forgive you,” I said as I hugged her tightly that I didn’t want to let go.

We cried, with endless tears. That time until the end, I was there for her. I didn’t want to go away.

Endless Tears: Chapter 14

“Hyemi!” I called out as I entered the room.

She was smiling as she saw me. And, she was getting paler.

“Ho… ya,” she tried to call my name.

I smiled as I took several steps closer to her.

I sat on her bed. “Today, let’s go out and play,” I said to her, as she gave me a weird look.

I smiled and she nodded, agreed to my suggestion.

I brought her out from the hospital and we went to the nearby river in that morning.

“Where?” she asked as I pushed her wheelchair.

“We’re going to a date,” I said, knelt down beside her wheelchair and locked the wheel.

 “Why?” she asked, as I removed her legs from the chair.

“Let’s walk and hold hands,” I said and I pulled her hands.

She shook her head. “I… walk… really… slow,” she told me, escaping her hands from my grip.

“I’ll walk with you. Come on,” I convinced her and took her hands once again.

I pulled her up, making her to stand beside me. I placed my right hand on her waist and intertwined my left hand into her left hand.

She looked at me with her unconfident look. She was hesitated.

“It’s okay, follow my lead. We’re walking at your pace,” I said, convincing her.

We walked along the riverbank really slow as we gazed at the beautiful morning scenery.

“Are you tired?” I asked her as we sat on the bench.

She shook her head and smiled. “I’m… happy,” she muttered.

“I’m glad,” I said, hugging her shoulder.

“Thank… you,” she thanked. “Ho… ya… is… the… best,” she said as she smiled.

I stood up and took her hands in mine.

“Let’s go to the next place,” I said as I lifted her and put her on the wheelchair again.

I took her to a boutique. She gave her question look.

“We’re going to wear beautiful clothes,” I explained to her as the guys were at the entrance.

“Hi, Hyemi,” Dongwoo hyung said and smiled to her.

She lowered her head to them and gave them the faint smile of hers.

“You go with the nuna,” I said to her as the boutique instructor took away her wheelchair from me.

“Hyung, you’re so kind,” Sungjong said to me as Sungyeol put his hand on my shoulder.

“I want to do whatever I can for her,” I said. “She has to live her life faster than anyone else,” I explained.

“She must be your life back then,” Woohyun hyung commented.

“She’s still is,” I replied, throwing an awkward laugh. “She knew me better than anyone else and she always surprised me on how well she knew me back then,” I said. “She talked a lot back then. But, right now, it is so hard to even say a few words,” I uttered, sighing.

“Be strong, hyung,” Myungsoo said to me.

“Yeah, you should get changed too,” Sungkyu hyung said, patting my back.

I nodded and I took the black tuxedo from the wardrobe.

After I suited up, I went to the front door, meeting the guys.

“You’re very handsome, hyung,” Sungjong said and clapped. I smiled.

“The bride is also ready,” the boutique instructor said as she pushed the wheelchair.

Hyemi was there, looking very beautiful. I smiled as I saw her.

“The car is outside,” Dongwoo hyung informed.

“Let’s go to the church,” Woohyun hyung told, tapped my shoulder.

I walked to Hyemi. “Let’s go,” I said as I pushed her wheelchair.

We were in the car, on the way to the church.

“Why?” she asked.

I chuckled. “You asked ‘why’ a lot today,” I said, playing with her fingers.

She looked at me, wanting the answer.

“We’re creating memories,” I told her. “So, you have to remember this day, until the end,” I claimed. “Don’t you dare to forget,” I warned and laughed.

“Thank… you,” she muttered.

“Let’s get married,” I said as the car stopped.

I lifted her to the entrance.

“Wheel… chair,” she said to me.

“Let’s walk, like a real wedding,” I said, intertwining my hand with hers. It was perfectly fit.

We walked, really slow, passing the audiences seat which was filled by INFINITE’s members and Hyojin nuna.

“We’re here to witness a wedding between Lee Howon and Shim Hyeyoung,” Sungkyu hyung started as he dressed as a priest.

We looked at each other, smiling.

“Lee Howon, do you willing to be with Shim Hyeyoung, to love, respect and take care of her, in rich and poor, hard and easy times?” he asked.

“I do,” I answered in an instant.

“Shim Hyeyoung, do you willing to receive the love of Lee Howon, to be with him, in easy and hard times?” he asked.

She looked at me, in my eyes. I smiled. “I… do,” she stuttered.

“You can exchange ring,” Sungkyu hyung ordered as Myungsoo came over with the rings.

I slipped the ring into her fourth finger. Myungsoo handed her the ring for me.

But, all of sudden, the ring fell from her grip. She looked at me with guilty look. I smiled at her, to assure that it was fine. I bent down to reach the ring. I put it in her palm, and motioned her fingers with my own hand. I was literally slipped the ring myself into my finger.

“I announced you as husband and wife. You may kiss the bride,” Sungkyu hyung declared.

I placed my hand on her waist, and leaned in. Our lips were touched, in a sweet kiss. I pulled away as I saw she cried while smiling.

The guys threw petals at us.

“Let’s take pictures,” Hyojin nuna said while waving the camera in her hands.

“Let’s go,” I said as I pulled her hand.

We took many pictures, but the most important thing was I did what she wanted even though it wasn’t as much as every other boyfriend could. Even though the wedding was fake, I felt it as the real one. It felt so real for me.