I went back to hospital, on the next. For me, I was not going to stop until Hyemi allow me to meet her.
I turned the door knob. I was ready, for any consequences. Even though she didn’t want to meet me, I want to meet her. I missed her, a lot.
“Hyemi,” I called out her name, as I entered the ward.
“Ho… ya,” she whispered, shocked. “Get… out,” she said, as she turned her head to the side, avoiding my gaze.
“I want to meet you, Hyemi,” I said, as I walked closer. “Please, let me stay,” I pleaded.
“Don’t… call… me… Hye… mi,” she stuttered. “I’m… not… Hyemi,” she said, still looking to the other side.
“Don’t do this,” I said, as I knelt beside her bed, reaching out for her hand.
“It’s… already… so… hard… for… me. Please… go,” she said, running her hand beyond my reach.
“Please, Hyemi,” I pleaded, keeping my head down low.
“Why… are… you… being… like… this? We… are… perfectly… fine… without… each… other… for… 5… years,” she muttered, trembling.
“Because I love you,” I confessed, without doubt.
“You… can’t. Don’t… love… me,” she said, as she looked at me. “I’m… a… burden,” she claimed, with tears rolled from her eyes.
I stood up and sat on her bed, facing her. I wiped away her tears with my thumb, as she kept trembling from the despair.
“You’re not a burden,” I objected. “Don’t say that,” I shushed her.
She slowly shook her head. “I’m… a… burden… to… everyone. Hyojin… unni… can’t… further… her… studies. It’s… because… of… me,” she muttered.
I was about to say something but she stopped me. “It’s… always… because… of… me. My… father… died. Grandma… died. Hyojin… unni… suffered. My... mother… didn’t… want… me. It’s… all… because… of… me. I… want… to… die… too,” she said and sobbed in her own tears.
I hugged her right away. “No, you have to live, until the end,” I said, firm and clear.
I could hear her sobs and I could feel her hands were responding to my sudden hug.
“I don’t care about you being sick. Even though you’re like this, you’re still the same Hyemi for me. You’re still as beautiful as ever,” I said, holding her hands tight to my chest. “So, please, let me be here for you. Until the end, I want to be with you,” I confessed.
From that day onwards, I was there, for her, every single time.
One day, as I went as usual to the hospital, to see Hyemi. As I went into her ward, I saw only Hyojin nuna.
“Hyojin nuna,” I called out. “Hyemi, where is her?” I asked as I looked around and didn’t see her trace.
“She go to see Doctor Jung,” she replied.
I nodded as I mouthed an “Oh”. I saw her, arranging some books from the drawer.
“Nuna, what’s that?” I asked as I pointed to the books.
“Hyemi’s notebooks. She wrote them a lot these days, since the doctor said, she might lose her ability to write as well,” she told me, looking so sad while rubbing the books, with her hands.
She wiped her face and smiled to me. “I’ll go and check after Elle. I mean, Hyemi,” she informed. “You can wait here,” she said and gestured me to sit.
I nodded as I watched her steps until she disappeared from my sight.
I walked to the drawer and took one of the books. I flipped it open.
Day by day passed. It’s all become harder. Today, I can’t brush my teeth on my own. I keep losing my grip on the toothbrush. Hyojin unni did it for me. I feel useless. I don’t know how many times have I said thanks and sorry to her.
I read it. I realized that her hand writing wasn’t the same anymore.
“You’re going to fill in this form and apply?” she asked again.
“That’s what I need you to help me with filling the form, because you have better hand writing than me,” I explained, as I rubbed the back of my neck.
She burst into laughing. “You’re sure funny,” she muttered between the laugh. “Sure, I’ll help you with that,” she said, winked.
This disease sure had changed her a lot. It was painful for me to watch, even painful for her to go through.
I flipped another random page. Her hand writing had been bigger and harder to read.
I felt sorry for Hyojin unni and Hoya. It must be hard for them. Why do Hoya must found me? Why do he love me? It was hard, painful. In one point, I want to be with Hoya, because I love him, because I miss him. But, it is unfair for him. I’m going to die and leave him, someday. Hoya, I’m sorry.
I cried, my vision became vague as tears welled up in my eyes. I wiped my eyes and flipped another pages.
Today, I saw a grandma from another ward at the garden, doing her morning walk. I wonder, if I am going to grow old. For one moment, I want to feel being old and have grey hairs. I want to see the older version of myself. Then again, it was impossible for me.
I could feel myself down in the dump. I felt sad, and it was hurt. I could feel myself, crying.
I played with the kids from paediatrics’ ward. Doctor Jung is so kind that he brought me there. Babies and kids are so cute. I, too, want to have kids, want to get married. Am I going to get married? For me, impossible, of course.
I couldn’t help, but cried. I flopped down beside the drawer. I felt stupid and useless. I promised to be with her when she needed me, but I never knew what she wanted. I thought I knew her well enough as she knew me, but I didn’t even know, all those times, she was faking about being happy.
That time, I knew and realized, I had to do something.
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