Endless Tears: Chapter 15

The next morning, I went to the hospital with my make-up artist nuna.

“Hyemi,” I said to her, hugging her from her back.

She smiled and bowed to the nuna I brought.

“This is my make-up artist nuna,” I informed her as she nodded.

“Hi, Hyemi,” the nuna greeted and they exchanged smile.

“Today, let’s be old for one day,” I said to her, as I gestured the nuna to do her work.

She started to work with my face also Hyemi’s face.

“Nuna is very great in this,” I said as I high fived the nuna. “Thanks,” I thanked as she went out.

“Hey, we’re old,” I said to Hyemi as she laughed lightly.

I faked a cough. “Let’s take a picture in our old days, my wife,” I said and grinned.

She nodded and I took out my cell phone. I took a self camera picture with her. Many pictures of us.

“I’ll keep this,” I said after clicking my phone.

“Let’s… stop… for… today,” she muttered, as she pushed her own wheelchair to the bathroom.

“Already?” I asked, in weird tone. I stood at the bathroom’s door as I watched her, washing off her face.

“I’m… tired. And… I… have… test,” she informed me.

I nodded. “I took you to Doctor Jung after this,” I offered. “And, I’m sorry for making you tired,” I apologized.

She shook her head. “You… should… go… back. I… can… go… with… the… nurse. And… I’m… happy,” she muttered and smiled.

I shrugged and nodded. “Okay, if that’s what you want,” I said.

“Ho… ya,” she called me as she pushed her wheelchair to her drawer.

She opened the drawer slowly as I walked closer. She took out an envelope.

“Take… this,” she said, handed the envelope.

“What is this?” I asked as I wanted to open.

She shook her head as she held onto my hands. “Don’t… read… here. Wait.. until.. you… home,” she ordered.

“Anything you want,” I said as I put the envelope in my pocket.

I lifted her to her bed and placed her there. She mouthed a “Thanks” and I walked to the door.

“I’ll be back,” I said as I waved her goodbye.

I went back to the dorm.

I sat on my bunk as I took out the envelope that Hyemi gave me. I opened it, and found a letter was in there.

Hoya, my love,

I have never expressed my love for you. I’m sorry for that. Now, I’m going to tell you, that I truly love you. I don’t know or realized when. But, since you went away, I was sad.

When I knew about my sickness, I was sad that I wanted to die. Thanks to you, I’m alive until now. For the 5 years that you weren’t by my side, I know you feel bad. But, don’t be, because I want you to do well. And you did. I’m so happy that you chased and achieved your dream. Most importantly, I’m happy that I helped you to achieve it.

I smiled as tears welled up in my eyes. I wiped it away and continued.

Hoya, my first love,

As you know, I will die, sooner or later. I felt that, my time is around the corner. I’m losing my ability one by one. I know, the death will soon come to me. So, don’t come to the hospital anymore.

After this, please forget about me. Please be happy, because you will meet someone better than me. Someone that can make you happy. Someone that not going to be a burden for you to take care. Someone that can walk and hold hands with you. Someone that can stand next to you and talk to you endlessly.

I cried. How could Hyemi said like this? I had never felt burdened.

Hoya, my last love,

Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my family when my own mother threw me away. Thank you for being my brother and friend. Thank you for sharing everything with me. Thank you for trusting me with your secrets. Thank you for being a considerate boyfriend. Thank you for trying hard to make everything possible for me. Thank you for loving me. I’m grateful for the past 8 years of my life because you’re in it.

Lastly, I’m sorry for letting you met me again like this. I’m sorry that I love you too. I’m sorry for being selfish.

Let’s end it all right here. I’m afraid that I will be more greedy that I want you all by myself. You said that you’ll be with me as long as I need you. From now on, I won’t be needing you anymore. So, you’re free to go. Goodbye.

Your Hyemi…

I cried out loud as I ended the letter. She thought about me so much that she wanted to suffer alone. But, I didn’t want it to end like this.

I ran back to the hospital as I ran around to find her.

I finally found her  at the hospital’s garden. I ran to her and hugged her.

“Ho… ya,” she muttered as she tried to pull away.

“I’m not going to stop,” I said, as tears running down my face.

I turned her to face me. I took out the letter she gave me. “I don’t want this,” I said, putting the letter on her lap.

“Please… Hoya,” she stuttered.

“You want me to be happy but you’re breaking up with me,” I scolded her. “How can you ask me to find someone else that can make me happy when the only one that can do that is you?” I said as I kneeled down, cried.

She sobbed.

I took her hands. “I don’t care if you don’t need me,” I said. “I promised that I will be here until the end. And, it haven’t come yet. So, I’m sticking here. I’ll stay with you. No matter how slow you walk, I want to hold your hand and walk with you. No matter how unclear your words, I’ll listen to it,” I claimed.

“I don’t accept your goodbye, your apology and your sorry. I don’t want to forgive you,” I said as I hugged her tightly that I didn’t want to let go.

We cried, with endless tears. That time until the end, I was there for her. I didn’t want to go away.